If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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