ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize