MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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