You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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