i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Randomize
