i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
