You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
