He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
