i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
And then he peed in my hair
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