I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
