$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
