Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
