I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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