this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
