why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
