hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
