blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
