I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
