I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
