after a month anything with tits is on the radar
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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