im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
