He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
