You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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