turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
