She announced her abortion via fbk
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
