I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
