when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
