Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
