just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
