AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
