three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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