And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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