Where did you get a picture of my penis
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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