My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
