Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
