I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
