I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
