I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize