Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize