So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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