It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
