Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
