your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
