Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
