i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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