I wish I could teleport
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
