Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
