God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
