Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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