she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize