Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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