I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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