I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize