also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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