I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
