so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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