Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
