My room smells like vodka and shame
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
