dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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