Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
