i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
