dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Randomize
