I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
