i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
