he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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