By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize